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Aus dem Leben eines Tagebuchs

Occasional Mr. Hyde

Dear Book,

(As you might notice I’m writing in English. Since I’m doing an exchange semester right now most parts of daily business happen to happen in English and from time to time I catch myself thinking aloud in English as well. Therefore it seems only logical that I’m writing this in the language I’m writing it in. Sorry in advance for any mistakes… reading at own risk!)

„Are you on your period?“ „No, why?“ „You’re kinda aggressive today and more rude than normal.“

That’s what a friend said to me yesterday evening at a common friend’s flat party. It got me thinking. About myself. But first, let me give you some context. On a regular basis I’d say that I have quite good manners. I’m offering my seat to old ladies in public transports. I’m smiling at waitresses and cashiers. I’m offering help where help is required. Basic human decency.

There’s one thing though: I love sarcasm and dark humor, and sometimes I can be awfully blunt. It’s not a good combination, believe me. I’m trying to suppress these urges whenever I’m sure people will be offended or when it’s just obviously inappropriate. However, when I’m with people from whom I know that they take joy in sarcasm and all that nasty stuff I get carried away from time to time. So far, so good.

The thing that stuck to my mind after yesterday evening is the fact that the way I come across and I present myself changes depending on the environment and the people that are involved. And I’m not doing this consciously. (I’m aware that this probably is true for a lot of people. But anyway. This pretty obvious conclusion kind of hit me and kept me thinking all day.)

So what are the reasons for these particular changes in behavior? Is it mainly the topics that are being spoken about? The place? The people? My mood? To be honest, I guess that all of the mentioned factors have some kind of influence to a fair degree. However, today I figured out a more or less plausible answer – after thinking about it and deciphering it thoroughly.

The thing is that sometimes I have some pretty strong introvert tendencies. Most of my friends wouldn’t believe me, I’m sure. Only my best friends would agree and name a lot of occasions where this is true. And it’s particularly true when it comes to meeting friends, especially parties. My introvert self prefers smaller groups of people. For starters, I love being on my own. Solitude is a blessing sometimes. But this is somehow difficult if you’re going out in the evening, and for that sake beside the point, isn’t it? Alright, so, socialising in bigger groups is kind of difficult for me. The bigger the group gets the more I tend to focus on just one or two people, talking about movies or cats or [insert preferred topic here] for the rest of the evening.

Additionally, it tend to have different groups of friends in different areas of my life that I normally don’t mix. Like family, childhood friends, coworkers, fellow students or party acquaintance. And they differ regarding the level of intimacy. There is for example the „I like to party with you but I would never invite you to my birthday celebration.“-intimacy and on the other hand the „I’ve already seen you naked, so how much more embarrassing could it possibly get?“-intimacy. Basically no intimacy vs. a very high degree thereof.

Now. The complicated stuff starts when these different areas of friends and levels of friendship mix. Since everybody in this mixed group knows me on a different level there is no common attitude that I employ to „please“ everybody. Someone will always be like „Wow, you’re really quiet today.“ while others are like „Gosh, you’re just talking too much!“. In a case like this my mind has to possible paths to choose from. And again, it’s not a conscious choice. Either I completely shut down and stop talking to anybody, smiling and pretending to feel very comfortable and chilled. Or, and that’s worse, my mind snaps and goes to total overdrive. I then turn into this very loud, bubbly, and occasionally – from my point of view – kind of obnoxious person, with the sole aim of socialising while not really knowing how and therefore totally overdoing it. That’s when the sarcasm and dark humor kicks in because it tends to get the most laughs from people and making people laugh is a socially accepted and wished-for thing, isn’t it? Isn’t it? ISN’T?! Naah, just kidding. Most of the people just think I’m drunk at that point, but believe me, I can be absolutely sober and still act like a total moron.

If the later is the case my energy for socialising will be exhausted after two or three hours and needs recharging. So you’ll most likely see me disappearing to the kitchen to „get peanuts, and because I first have to grow the peanuts it takes me quite a while to come back“. Or I sneak out to the balcony to get „a little bit of fresh air, only for a minute, or an hour, depends“.  The best way actually is to start playing with any available pet. Cats, dogs, bunnies, I don’t care. Even if the animal is bored as fuck and doesn’t really appreciate me wiggling a stupid thread in front of its face for what feels like an eternity.

So, dear Book, now you know. Now you know the terrible, terrible truth.

To be honest, I don’t really mind. I cannot change that aspect about me. You know, it’s good to be aware of it, that’s all. I mean, people can decide for themselves if they want me as company and surprisingly a fair amount of people actually do. Which, to be honest, is still surprising to me sometimes. But that’s cool, I can handle that!

Well, I guess, that’s it for today. See you, hopefully with recharged energy for socialising… „

 

 

 

 

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